yesterday was rough.
i am just going to sit here and write.
pour out my thoughts.
i couldn't write a fluffy happy post after the day i had yesterday.
sometimes i can feel so in love...so content and confident...so happy with everything in my life.
and then in less than 24 hours feel the opposite.
i feel that great feeling mostly when i am with my husband.
we are best friends and i feel most like myself when i am with him.
he loves me well.
but man....raising kids can be SO DANG HARD.
it can wear you down like nothing else can.
and your marriage too....you have to protect it like a mama grizzly.
parenting is so much harder than i ever thought it would be (good thing i jumped right in and had five kids)
(and sorry mom. sorry dad.)
sometimes i feel like i am getting worse at parenting everyday.
shouldn't i be getting better?
shouldn't i be getting experienced?
we had a moment yesterday where my husband and i both just sat together staring at the wall holding hands in a total dazed state of completely not knowing what to do.
we had no plan.
we had no thoughts.
just kind of stunned by how our kids were behaving.
and in those moments....i want to go hide away in my mind to the good stuff.
the stuff where we are happy and carefree.
the times where we aren't worried about how they are going to turn out.
the stuff that makes us smile and feel proud of them.
but we are the parents.
there is no one else to do this job but us!
it's me and him.
how crazy is that when you reeeeeally think about it?
we have to do the hard parts too.
even though i don't like those parts....i like making crafts and playing soccer and eating ice cream or laughing over a movie.
i don't like discipline and rules and tension and arguing.
i really don't.
i keep going back to advice from a friend saying "their story isn't over yet"
and "everyone needs to mess up so they can come back and learn from it"
or "it gets better...they grow out of it"
i hang on those words for sure.
especially "their story isn't over yet"
because i want my kids so badly to know Jesus deeply.
to come around and have a desire in their heart to be with HIM.
if they were good all the time...they wouldn't know why they needed Him in their life.
it is exhausting to watch them choose wrong over and over.
just like it is for God to watch me choose wrong...say wrong...do wrong...think wrong....OVER AND OVER.
for over 25 years.
i have been reading this book again.
it helps calm my heart when i put my children's name into the verses from my bible to pray over them.
it's a good book.
i am praying my heart out for my kids.
i don't feel like i am good at it.
it's not natural for me.
i struggle at prayer...i get distracted VERY easily...but prayer can be anywhere anytime...go to GOd and you're there. that's it. And He wants us there all day long.
"LOVE NEVER FAILS" is the verse i keep coming back to.
when i feel disappointed and have the thought "this is not what i wanted...i didn't sign up for this"
i hear "love never fails."
God never promised me that having a big family would be easy and fun all the time and that all my kids would just fall in line, obeying my every word and love on me every chance they get.
that was my disillusion i brought to the table.
i love all my kids like crazy.
sometimes i feel very frustrated, worn down, diappointed or sad.
but they still need me.
especially when they do those things....they NEED guidance, reaauarnce that i will still be there, protection and LOVE.
love never fails.
so.....that's my takeaway from this discussion i just wrote out with myself in my head....
whatever i do or say to my kids it has to be in love.
if i don't have love....it's useless.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
- 1 Cor. 13 (the Message)
these are usually wedding verses but they work awesome for parenting wisdom also.
my kids are off of school today.
ok.... i must get out of bed and turn this day awesome.
cause yesterday really wasn't.
although craig did bring us (me and the 3 youngest kids) out on the roof last night and we watched the stars together.
it was really beautiful and calming.
(thanks babe for that....let's do that more often.)
bottom line....i love my kids.
i am so glad i had them ALL and i want to be able to love them through anything they throw at me.
it is hard.
i have confidence that God will give me the strength to do it.
but that doesn't mean it will be easy.
annnnnd i miss having babies in the house....big time.