whatever

alright....it's a new day.

so i got lots of texts yesterday and emails asking "what's going on??!"
i guess i was making people nervous or being dramatic?

or keep it to myself too often that when i explode people get nervous?
i think people were worried.
it's all ok...it's just HARD....and i wish it wasn't so hard most of the time.  

but i got it all out in writing here yesterday and felt so much better almost immediately.
God gave me another day to try again.
thankful for that.

 
we made chocolate chip cookies.  (best recipe ever)
a double batch.
and it was like yummy therapy.  :)

then i took the four youngest who were off of school to a movie.
and freddys for dinner.

it was good to get out of the house.



still liking this book a lot.
i am about halfway through....it is very interesting writing...i am so curious to see where it leads.

 
i had a happy box on my porch.
it's about time i got on board with this company.
what has taken me so long....seriously?
i am a convert.
love them and want to get some more already.

 
good thing we gave waffle that bath.....

watching talby play volleyball this past weekend made me realize how very tall and grown up she is getting!
right before my eyes.
and she was the only one with out knee pads... #parentfail

speaking of growing up... holy cows.
i don't get the hair but i understand the need to make your choices and have a "style" you like.
i am not sure what that is...but he does and so i am not making a big deal.

he looks good in black and red though.

i am a sucker for good marketing that is visually awesome.
and this is.  
old navy you have great designers.
i want every color.          
(except purple...no thank you)

this morning i printed out my pdf files from CLEAN MAMA and i am ready to get organized.
i love that she has the jobs written out already.
that was a huge for me.
i get so overwhelmed with chores and cleaning and keeping up at my house.
so becky has all kinds of ways to help me get organized and doing it such a cute and colorful way!!!
thank you Clean Mama for getting my life together! 

okie dokie....
i am off to get my hair did.
and go to the bank
and the walmart.
and high school volleyball games tonight.

thank you for the hundreds of encouraging "you are not alone" comments and emails and texts.
THANK YOU.

i felt lifted up in prayer and in friendship.
i felt heard.
i can be open and honest here and not be attacked.
i am so grateful for that.

and my husband teased me about the mama grizzly.  :)

but it's TRUE!!!

 

 

motherhood

yesterday was rough.

i am just going to sit here and write.
pour out my thoughts.
i couldn't write a fluffy happy post after the day i had yesterday. 

sometimes i can feel so in love...so content and confident...so happy with everything in my life.
and then in less than 24 hours feel the opposite.

i feel that great feeling mostly when i am with my husband.
we are best friends and i feel most like myself when i am with him.
he loves me well. 

but man....raising kids can be SO DANG HARD.
it can wear you down like nothing else can.
and your marriage too....you have to protect it like a mama grizzly.

parenting is so much harder than i ever thought it would be (good thing i jumped right in and had five kids)
(and sorry mom.  sorry dad.) 

sometimes i feel like i am getting worse at parenting everyday.
shouldn't i be getting better?
shouldn't i be getting experienced?

we had a moment yesterday where my husband and i both just sat together staring at the wall holding hands in a total dazed state of completely not knowing what to do.
we had no plan.
we had no thoughts.
just kind of stunned by how our kids were behaving.

and in those moments....i want to go hide away in my mind to the good stuff.
the stuff where we are happy and carefree.
the times where we aren't worried about how they are going to turn out.
the stuff that makes us smile and feel proud of them.

but we are the parents.
there is no one else to do this job but us!
it's me and him.
how crazy is that when you reeeeeally think about it?
we have to do the hard parts too.
even though i don't like those parts....i like making crafts and playing soccer and eating ice cream or laughing over a movie.
i don't like discipline and rules and tension and arguing.
i really don't.

i keep going back to advice from a friend saying "their story isn't over yet"
and "everyone needs to mess up so they can come back and learn from it"
or "it gets better...they grow out of it"

i hang on those words for sure.
especially "their story isn't over yet"

because i want my kids so badly to know Jesus deeply.
to come around and have a desire in their heart to be with HIM.
if they were good all the time...they wouldn't know why they needed Him in their life. 

it is exhausting to watch them choose wrong over and over.

just like it is for God to watch me choose wrong...say wrong...do wrong...think wrong....OVER AND OVER.
for over 25 years.

i have been reading this book again.
it helps calm my heart when i put my children's name into the verses from my bible to pray over them.
it's a good book.

i am praying my heart out for my kids.
i don't feel like i am good at it.
it's not natural for me.
i struggle at prayer...i get distracted VERY easily...but prayer can be anywhere anytime...go to GOd and you're there.  that's it.  And He wants us there all day long.

"LOVE NEVER FAILS" is the verse i keep coming back to.
when i feel disappointed and have the thought "this is not what i wanted...i didn't sign up for this"
i hear "love never fails."
God never promised me that having a big family would be easy and fun all the time and that all my kids would just fall in line, obeying my every word and love on me every chance they get.
that was my disillusion i brought to the table.

i love all my kids like crazy.
sometimes i feel very frustrated, worn down, diappointed or sad.
but they still need me.
especially when they do those things....they NEED guidance, reaauarnce that i will still be there, protection and LOVE.
love never fails.

so.....that's my takeaway from this discussion i just wrote out with myself in my head....

LOVE.

whatever i do or say to my kids it has to be in love.
if i don't have love....it's useless. 

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

- 1 Cor. 13 (the Message)

 

these are usually wedding verses but they work awesome for parenting wisdom also.

 

my kids are off of school today.
ok.... i must get out of bed and turn this day awesome.
cause yesterday really wasn't.

although craig did bring us (me and the 3 youngest kids) out on the roof last night and we watched the stars together.
it was really beautiful and calming.
(thanks babe for that....let's do that more often.)

bottom line....i love my kids.
i am so glad i had them ALL and i want to be able to love them through anything they throw at me.
it is hard.
i have confidence that God will give me the strength to do it.
but that doesn't mean it will be easy.

annnnnd i miss having babies in the house....big time.

the end.

:) 

 

 

friday

it got cold here yesterday....now it's fall.
so there are no outside baths and swimsuits going on this weekend.
poor waffle is in desperate need of a haircut.
he has to wait till wednesday though. 

i made THIS SOUP last night....yummmm.
perfect for the first cold night of september! 

and i made THIS DESSERT for mr. duerksen this week.
i love when i can surprise my family.
it's like they say "really??? oh yeah...i forgot you know how cook!"

ha! 

we are going to a home high school football game tonight to see the little girls do a cheer routine...very cute.
then saturday morning we head out to 2 soccer games, one 5th grade volleyball game, one 6th grade football game and one high school volleyball tournament. 
i don't think there wil be any relaxing whatsoever.

this weather just makes me want to curl up and take a nap.

what are YOU doing this weekend?

i really like my job

all the little details of Craft Weekend are part of the fun for me.
the flowers....the food....the fabric...the quilts....the colors....the music....i love the details.


                                 

                                         our sponsors send fabulous swag for each of our guests. 
                                                     i love working with all of our sponsors!
                                             we had several new ones this month too....so fun!

                                

                                
                                                            craft supplies make me happy.
                                                                           it's a fact.



                                

                                

                                

                                       jenny and mari went above and beyond with their aprons.
       they were the last to get a sewing machine so they had plenty of time to just keep adding and adding.  
                                          patience pays off...their aprons were quite amazing.
                                                           but i always love every apron!





we took our field trip out to bearly makin' it and the Mill.       (i call it the barn but they call it the Mill)
they were preparing for the arts & crafts fair that is every 3rd weekend in september in hillsboro & marion, ks.
THOUSANDS of women come to these small towns to shop for treasures and crafts
and most of them end up at the Mill too.
can you blame them? 

that is THIS WEEKEND...september 15 .....you should go if you haven't ever been!
it's REALLY fun.






i always end up shopping IN THE PHOTOS! 
thinking "i didn't see that white canvas basket....i wonder how much that costs....."

there is something for everyone...even the girls who have to fly home can find smaller items.








we couldn't resist a photo shoot on the red and green doors.
they were so colorful...begging to photographed!


                





                               
                                      it's hard to get four faces in a self portrait on your phone!


we filled up kimberlee's van with very little room to spare.


each time we take our CW girls out i think "they got the best stuff" and i thought it again this time too!

really great finds...some worked really hard too....going through shelves and shelves and boxes of goodies.



when we got back from our antiques adventure these girls were so ready to craft!
they were starting before me!  :)

we got everything set up and michelle got everyone started on her canvas project.


we even got to paint with our hands!
i loved getting messy and working on something new.
michelle was encouraging and inspring.  
painting is very therapeutic.

                               


i kept these girls busy all evening with several other crafts too.
they worked hard!

lots of detail.
lots of color.
they were committed!

                             
                                     this Craft Weekend was our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!
                                       we celebrated an awesome year working together.
                                              we both really and truly LOVE our jobs.

                             
                                       this was what time i went to bed on saturday night.
                                                                          2:47 AM
             but knowing that everyone felt satisfied with their projects and could sleep well is a good feeling.


mari and cathy with their finished canvases.
i wanted to take a picture of everyone holding theirs...and i forgot.
too much going on at the end to remember i guess.


                                
                                             i hope we have kimberlee's cinnamon rolls at CW forever.
                                  or at least that i can get kimberlee to make them for me forever.  
                                     they are unreal....soft and fluffy with thick yummy frosting. 
                   they are HER OWN recipe and they are worth getting up for after going to bed at 2:47.

                         and seriously...ALL the food Kimberlee prepares for us all weekend is wonderful!
            i am blessed by her thought and time and love that goes into every meal....and especially dessert.


jenny with her loot from the barn and her crafts...she made her bag and her word.


they made plenty of headbands.  


we covered wire with strips of fabric and bent it into words or letters.
this was addicting.






we decorated the wood bunting sent to us by our sponsor SayHello Shop.  (you need these at your house!!!)
they each painted the back with chalkboard paint and then decoupaged fabric to the opposite side.
i was LOVING these!!!




and the aprons....
they are all just so GREAT!!!







brooke....i am sorry again that i missed your apron.  
bummer.
it was beautiful!

let's meet our crafters...... 

                                                     becky from canada                                                          robyn from canada
 

                                                   heather from canada                                                      aime from oklahoma
 

                                                   brooke from georgia                                                         shara from virginia
 

                                                  rebecca from georgia                                                       cassie from missouri
 

                                                shelley from california                                                      jenny from oklahoma
 

                                                   cathy from oklahoma                                                      mari from oklahoma
 

                                                  michelle from oregon                                                         alyssa from kansas
 


                                                                    love these girls.




this poor little man that walked by just as we set our timer....he was very confused by us!!!


michelle and alyssa were like super hero helpers!
everything done before asking....meals came together easily...dishes...cleaning...they were such a blessing!

roomie pictures!










whatever craft weekend has become something kimberlee and i couldn't have imagined.
it's a time of refreshment. it's a time of inspiration for people who thrive on creativity.
it's an encouragement for those who have missed that side of themselves for awhile.
it's a way to meet new friends.  it's a safe place to be yourself.
it is so much more than i thought it would be.
i just wanted to make crafts with women.
and here we are a year later....80+ women served....feeling like God has given us an awesome opportunity to serve HIm by serving these women with a time of refreshement and creativity.
they can go home feeling inspired, pampered and ready to be their best.
it's pretty cool!!

to get on the Whatever Craft Weekend wait list.....first READ THIS and then email whatevercraftweekend@yahoo.com to get put on the list.
the list is very long BUT we chose by random number so you never know when you could get picked!  

getting your name on the list is the ONLY WAY to get to Craft Weekend.

you can see all of our other weekends on the Whatever Craft Weekend blog.
 



i miss all you crafty girls!!
hope you have caught up on your sleep and have had a great week!!

 

passing this onto you....

this email came today from 1Billion Thirsty....the group i went to africa with (partnered with water4christmas)
i looked at the picture in my home of the children i met in Freetown, Sierra Leone.
i thought about the young men and women i met and spoke with.

and prayed for them.

i had to pass this on to you..... 

 

                                                                    

                                                          DONATE HERE

it's monday.

hi.
how was your weekend?

craft weekend was wonderful.
i am so happy about it.
can i just say....how awesome is the internet?  
i know that it can have really awful stuff but for me it has been AMAZING!
God has blessed me with SO many friends, so many ideas, so much inspiration, so much FUN through the internet the past few years.  I get to connect with and meet women that are so completely awesome that i never would have met otherwise because of the internet!  
i love LOVE LOVE that God is in the details of everything...even the internet.

(these are instagram pics from the past few days.)

michelle allen from close2myart was my blogger/teacher/helper this craft weekend.
i don't even know who found who as far as blogs and how we connected.
we have been emails friends for a few years now and we finally got to meet.
she is a life long friend now i can guarantee.
i loved her.
(and her hair was soooo rad)
she was even better than i imagined and i had made her pretty great in my mind already! :)

so yeah....i love the internet and i am not afraid to say it. 

this is my loot from the barn on saturday.
an old RC crate that is really rough (which is why i like it), a old metal box that seems like maybe it was a breadbox, a Super Nutro Hog feed bag, an embroidered runner with horses, a little quilt to make into pillows, a small candy jar and some doilies. 
i love the internet AND i love old junk.
:) 

these three books arrived for me this week.
i am starting with A Million Miles in a Thousand Years tonight.
i have basically been told by God in about 10 different ways that i am supposed to read this book.
seriously.
He couldn't have been more clear.  
so i will let you know how it goes.... 

i read Interuppted and my world has been ROCKED.
so i am equal parts nervous and excited to read this one.
because i knew i was supposed to read Interrupted too. 

 

was i just too open right there?
i feel a little vulnerable about those two paragraphs. 

here is my front seat on my way to craft weekend.
my backseat looked the same.
happy car!



right now i am sitting at the craft house (because i came to town for paint & the internet is so slow at the farm)
i stopped by the thrift store this morning and picked up a few dishes, some fabric and a globe.
i can't NOT buy a globe when it's at a thrift shop because they are so much cheaper than at an antique shop.
i made mini bunting here last night while my husband attempted to fix the dryer we got on craigslist.
it's a bummer when people are dishonest on craigslist don't ya think?
i guess ANYTIME people are dishonest it is sad but when they take your money....ugh.
(so that would be a down side to the internet...)
i picked up a gallon of Kilz to start a big paint project this week.
and i have now finished off the candy corn we had left from CW....for lunch

 

i need to get working.
i have stuff to paint.

are you on instagram? i am @megduerksen if you aren't following me yet.
it's so fun.
i am....addicted.

happy monday to you.