it's been one of those hard weeks.
part of it... the weather turned yucky and cold and GRAY again.
part of it... marathon terrorists, shootings, stabbings, explosions on the news constantly.
part of it... teenage hormones in full force in our home.
part of it... pms/no sugar/yes sugar/running 10 miles/exhausted body
i was sleeping a little while ago and woke up startled a bit.
and suddenly had a flash back to our premarital counseling session and was overcome with embarrassment.
laying in my bed 18.5 years later.
i started crying.
in the middle of the night about being embarrassed about how dumb we must have looked to everyone.
how clueless we were....and how everyone knew it but us.
what a ridiculous thing to get upset about!
randomly... in the middle of the night!???
especially when the boy i was in pre-marital counseling with 18.5 years ago was sleeping soundly, peacefully and completely content next to me.
we may have been pretty dumb and naive... but we've made it this far.
and we still are as in love as ever.
way more than in that church office way back then.
but now i am awake and can't sleep because my mind won't turn off.
i had a request to blog about teenage kids and that next stage of motherhood that kind of gets... not talked about.
there's a reason that it's not talked about.
a few reasons....
1. i think it challenges most parents in a way they never have been... even if the kids are very well behaved. so there is less talk because people are genuinely unsure of the best way to handle things.
2. the stakes are higher. it's not diapers and time outs any more. teenagers can get themselves into big trouble really quick and there are hard answers that come with those situations. the consequences for bad decisions are suddenly very heavy. life changing sometimes.
3. kids are online and there isn't a safe place for moms to share and discuss. their friends can see what you said. they can see what is written. there is no place for honesty online when things are difficult because kids are all over the internet. You can safely share the positives which is a good thing. but it also leads to that ever present blogland "comparsion issue". Are her teenagers REALLY that sweet? Are her teenagers REALLY that smart? compassionate? respectful? what is wrong with me? why aren't my teenagers like hers?
4. there is fear in letting them go. letting them go.. in their decision making. letting them go... to college and move out. letting them go... when it comes to finishing tasks and work. and legit FEAR that they won't make it. fear that they will chose poorly and be stuck in that bad decision for... ever.
5. parenting teenagers is mentally and emotionally exhausting.
i never understood those people who would look at me with a baby in my belly, one in my arms, one or two on my leg and say "it gets so much harder when they get older" because seriously.... HOW could it get harder than no sleep, no quiet, no personal space & no time for 10 years straight???
well... i found out.
the emotional exhaustion of worrying about them, worrying that you messed them up, worrying about how they will turn out and then the mental exhaustion of HOW to deal with something new all the time....
and you are now in a body that is 10 - 15 years older than before.
yep... it's harder.
it just is.
sorry baby mamas. sorry toddler moms. you get through all that physically hard stuff and a whole new set of issues comes around the corner.
i think that even families that have easy going teenagers would agree with me.
it's not a BAD thing... it's just surprising how difficult it is.
and we weren't prepared for it.
we thought we were fun and cool people who loved being with our kids so it will be fine.
HA HA HA.
so i just felt like it was time to say some of that.
not ratting out my kids.
not saying anything other than "this is hard."
i love them fiercely.
i know God tells me not worry but more often than not i find myself wrapped up in it.
it's draped around me like a heavy, wet blanket.
so i throw it all back at Jesus' feet again.
i am trying everyday to be a good mom....somedays are better than others.
i ask God again and again to protect them & to capture their hearts.
i ask God to forgive my selfishness, my pride, my temper, my patience and my words and thoughts.
and i ask God to take my worry away.
to fill me with patience and love and the ability to see more than the mistakes.
so much more.
He reminds me that He created them. He loves them more than i do or could. He wants the best for them.
and their story is not over.
there is so much more to come.
God loves my kids. (and your kids.)
He isn't going to leave me alone is raising them. He doesn't get mad when i fail. He doesn't laugh at me when i make mistakes.
That is not the God and Jesus i know.
i am so grateful to be their mom.
no matter what.
but make no mistake.... it's the hardest stage i've ever been in.
sorry for the crazy long post with no pictures!!
it's 2:55 AM.
i am just going to publish this like jerry maguire.
because that went great for him right???