whatever

mama.

it's been one of those hard weeks.

part of it... the weather turned yucky and cold and GRAY again.
part of it... marathon terrorists, shootings, stabbings, explosions on the news constantly.
part of it... teenage hormones in full force in our home. 
part of it... pms/no sugar/yes sugar/running 10 miles/exhausted body

i was sleeping a little while ago and woke up startled a bit.
and suddenly had a flash back to our premarital counseling session and was overcome with embarrassment.
laying in my bed 18.5 years later.
i started crying.
in the middle of the night about being embarrassed about how dumb we must have looked to everyone.
how clueless we were....and how everyone knew it but us.

what a ridiculous thing to get upset about!

randomly... in the middle of the night!???

especially when the boy i was in pre-marital counseling with 18.5 years ago was sleeping soundly, peacefully and completely content next to me.
we may have been pretty dumb and naive... but we've made it this far.

and we still are as in love as ever.
way more than in that church office way back then.

but now i am awake and can't sleep because my mind won't turn off.

 

i had a request to blog about teenage kids and that next stage of motherhood that kind of gets... not talked about.  

there's a reason that it's not talked about.

a few reasons....

1. i think it challenges most parents in a way they never have been... even if the kids are very well behaved.  so there is less talk because people are genuinely unsure of the best way to handle things.

2. the stakes are higher.  it's not diapers and time outs any more.  teenagers can get themselves into big trouble really quick and there are hard answers that come with those situations.  the consequences for bad decisions are suddenly very heavy.  life changing sometimes.  

3. kids are online and there isn't a safe place for moms to share and discuss.  their friends can see what you said. they can see what is written.  there is no place for honesty online when things are difficult because kids are all over the internet.  You can safely share the positives which is a good thing.  but it also leads to that ever present blogland "comparsion issue".  Are her teenagers REALLY that sweet?  Are her teenagers REALLY that smart?  compassionate? respectful? what is wrong with me? why aren't my teenagers like hers?

4. there is fear in letting them go.  letting them go.. in their decision making.  letting them go... to college and move out.  letting them go... when it comes to finishing tasks and work.  and legit FEAR that they won't make it.  fear that they will chose poorly and be stuck in that bad decision for... ever.

5.  parenting teenagers is mentally and emotionally exhausting.
     period.
i never understood those people who would look at me with a baby in my belly, one in my arms, one or two on my leg and say "it gets so much harder when they get older"  because seriously.... HOW could it get harder than no sleep, no quiet, no personal space & no time for 10 years straight??? 
well... i found out.
the emotional exhaustion of worrying about them, worrying that you messed them up, worrying about how they will turn out and then the mental exhaustion of HOW to deal with something new all the time.... 
and you are now in a body that is 10 - 15 years older than before.   
yep... it's harder.

it just is.
sorry baby mamas.  sorry toddler moms.  you get through all that physically hard stuff and a whole new set of issues comes around the corner.  

i think that even families that have easy going teenagers would agree with me.

it's not a BAD thing... it's just surprising how difficult it is.  
and we weren't prepared for it.  
we thought we were fun and cool people who loved being with our kids so it will be fine.  

HA HA HA.

 

so i just felt like it was time to say some of that.

 

not ratting out my kids.

not saying anything other than "this is hard."

i love them fiercely.  

i know God tells me not worry but more often than not i find myself wrapped up in it.  
it's draped around me like a heavy, wet blanket.    

so i throw it all back at Jesus' feet again.

i am trying everyday to be a good mom....somedays are better than others.

i ask God again and again to protect them & to capture their hearts. 

i ask God to forgive my selfishness, my pride, my temper, my patience and my words and thoughts.

and i ask God to take my worry away. 

to fill me with patience and love and the ability to see more than the mistakes.  

so much more. 

He reminds me that He created them.  He loves them more than i do or could.  He wants the best for them.

and their story is not over.

there is so much more to come.

God loves my kids.  (and your kids.)  

He isn't going to leave me alone is raising them.  He doesn't get mad when i fail.  He doesn't laugh at me when i make mistakes.  

That is not the God and Jesus i know.

 
i am so grateful to be their mom.

no matter what.

 

 

but make no mistake.... it's the hardest stage i've ever been in.

 

sorry for the crazy long post with no pictures!!

 

it's 2:55 AM. 
i am just going to publish this like jerry maguire.

because that went great for him right???

 

broken bones and KAKE news.

 

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on monday evening craig & i were looking forward to our free night with no plans or practices.
and then i heard a SCREAM outside that was so loud and annie yelling "I BROKE MY ARM!!! ITS BROKEN!!!"

i doubted for about five minutes but then i felt her arm.
yeah....
i called craig & he was on his way home from work "i think annie broke her arm.  i am taking her to the ER".
he said he would meet us there.


two hours later they determined it was definitely broken.
we expected it to just be a cast and we'd go home.

then a dr came in and said "it's a really bad break.  REALLY BAD.  we need to do surgery"
what?!
so at 9 PM they took her in and put her under.

that was very hard to let her go.

a piece of her bone broke off and was floating in her arm.
they put two pins in her elbow to hold it in place until it heals.

she's smiling but it was just for the camera.
she and i slept in the hospital (if you can call it sleep) monday night to keep an eye on everything.


we headed home late morning....dead tired.
we both rested all day yesterday.
the doctor says a cast comes next week.
she is hoping for lime green but thought red and blue for KU would be cool too.

we've got some serious bedhead going on that we will have to deal with today....



she slept all night last night.
i just feel so bad for her.
she is miserable.
i think we will paint nails and toenails today.
and finish her chapter book.
and we watched Crocodile hunter this morning.... how much tv can one person watch?!

so send up some prayers for annie when you think of her.

 

and on a completely different subject...........

 

Craft Weekend was on the local news!
they interviewed us before the last CW and then came back AT craft weekend during our apron making.
some of our guests were interviewed about why they came.
i was really nervous about the whole thing but i think it turned out well.

it's pretty cool. 

 

ok....another cup of coffee is needed.
and i am going to do 7 loads of laundry today.
i am.
keep me accountable.
make sure i do it.
cause my laundry situation is downright embarassing right now.
i have let it go for far too long.
sitting at the hospital knowing i needed clothes and dreading the thought of having a friend go into my house to look for my clothes was mortifying.
1. i doubt i had any clean underwear for me.
2. to get to my clean clothes....you had to climb the mountain of dirty clothes first...seriously a safety risk.

so today i am playing nurse, manicurist and laundry aid.

what are you doing today?
getting ready to cook?  are you hosting thanksgiving? what kind of pie are you making? 

wednesday.

 

      

(i had my settings off on my camera so lets all pretend this is....a newspaper photo...ha!)

she had a great birthday.
so grateful and sweet.
she wanted ice cream sundaes but i had to get at least one cupcake.  
we watched one of her favorite movies after dinner.
i like that kid a whole bunch.

we had a girls day just the two of us yesterday.

she used her birthday money (and her allowance...she is a saver) for some cute clothes.
i loved watching her pick stuff out.
she and i are finding our way.
me saying "it's ok to not like what i like" when we disagree.
or when she says "do you like it?" with a big smile then OF COURSE i like it.
i want her to form her own opinions...have confidence in herself and her choices.
i am so proud of her when she does.

and she is pretty darn cute. 

 

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i got out my electric mattress pad for the winter.

oh yeahhhh.

my toes are nice and warm now.  :)

 

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so...i got to see Flight on monday.

holy cows.


it is definitely rated R.
it was... hard to watch?  very real?  very grown up?  intense?  but seriously... SOOOOO good.

ha ha ha

it stuck with me.

but i can't quite figure out why....

and no spoilers in the comment section.
i don't want people getting mad at me! 

the couple sitting next to us...they were talkers.
"oh no he didn't"    "oh no...don't do it"    "GASP!!!"

AND she sang the words to a whole song that was on the movie!

seriously. 

and the school called craig at the very last 4 minutes of the movie.
so he missed the ending.
craaaaazy.

 

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have you filled your boxes for  Operation Christmas Child?




i usually post about it but time got away from me.

my kids loooooove to do this project.
i hope you do it too.

and i saw that if you drop off your shoe box at Chick-fil-a... YOU GET A FREE SANDWICH!

bonus!

 

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here is somehting happy for you this morning....

i am off to run errands.
walmart...the bank...the post office.
so exciting eh?

what to make for dinner?
the question of my life... 

 

 

 

 

cluck.

summer got SO hot that we quit going over to see the chickens.
it was just not fun to be outside for long...the grass was crunchy & dead.
it was just gross by the end of summer.
now that it has cooled off we strolled over with old bread and said hello.





chickens move really fast...


it is actually really hard to catch the brown ones....way to go talby.
:)




we got some free eggs because annie said "CAN WE HAVE THESE EGGS FOR FREEEEEEEEE???" 
people have a hard time saying no to annie.


she was able to catch three of the orangey ones.
she would pet their backs and say "ahhh....do you like this massage?"
but i wish you could hear the way she says massage.... it's like Ma-shaaaug...it's so cute. 

i am still thinking about getting our own chickens.
spring time?
isn't that when farm people do stuff like that?
baby chicks and all that?

at least i have a few months to make some decisions.
we need to research what kinds we would want.
(by WE i mean me and my little girls only...no one else would want to be a part of the chicken adventure) 

and we would need some good names of course.


SIDE NOTE:

i have very rarely even bought halloween costumes...
and if i did it was on clearance after halloween a size up for the next year.
well....i just ordered my girls costumes from walmart.
i didn't even go in the store.
they have free shipping.
i feel like i have given up in some way... BLAaaaaH.
but you gotta do what works and this year THIS works.
i am feeling like it was the easiest way to go... no kids begging for other stuff at the store...no pouting.
and i only have to get a few costumes instead of four or five now since my kids are older now so buying didn't seem so painful this time.

what do you do?
do you buy from the store?  do you make your own? do you use the old ones you have already?

 

 

a few answers.

well...i got up today with a plan in my head.
i would go running, take a nice hot relaxing bath at the craft house
and then make Vlog answering some of your questions.
i did go for my run but then the school called and said Scott was throwing up.
so...i am stuck at home still in my stinky running clothes and i will be writing and not vlogging today. 

you guys ask great questions. 

let's see....

1. Did you ever convert the attic in the craft house?  

nope.
we just never had the energy and the money at the same time.  :)
who knows what will happen though....we may still do it.
i have dreams for it.  Maybe a store? Maybe more work space? Maybe more bunk space? Maybe a little apartment? My running buddies suggested making it a full gym so we could workout together all year long. 
and i am LOVING that idea.

2. Are you on Pinterest?

ummm....i am.  
but it's the only place online that i am private....i have a fake name.
i just like having all the ideas i like in one place but not sharing what i love with everyone.
that may seem weird but... it's what i am doing and i like it that way.  

3. which is your favorite camera and lens?

i have a canon 50D and the 24-70 f/2.8 Canon lens.
and that is all.
i own one lens.  :)
it works for my needs...i dream of the 70 - 200 and the 35mm....and a 5D camera body.
but for now and the past two years....just that.
nothing else.
so that is what is in my camera bag.
and by camera bag i mean my purse.  HA!

4.  How do you edit your photos?

i upload my photos into LightRoom and i use their settings to edit.
i usually bump up the exposure...the vibrance....the fill light....sharpen and that's it.

5.  what settings do you use on your camera?

i almost always shoot in AV mode.  i shoot at an ISO of 200 and at 2.8 or 3.5.  does that help?
someome asked about my settings for indoor shots in the evening...well i just try not to shoot indoors in the evening.  because i think those pictures are always bad.  So i have no settings to share for that.
 
i love wendy&tyler from blue lily and they have helped me immensely with understanding my camera. they have workshops where YOU can learn about your camera too. you should go.
and Ashley from Under the Sycamore has an AWESOME online class that you can learn about photography...her next course is coming up soon.  

i have never felt great at explaining cameras or putting it into words but both of those blogs do it well!

6. Will you come to Washington?  

yes.  :)
i would love to do that sometime.... 

also i was worried it was going to be raining for my run this morning and your quote went through my head Leann "once you're wet, you're wet" and had decided i was going anyway.  thankfully... it stopped before i ran.

7. where are the glasses from in the post with the happy things to look at?  And the afgans?

i found that pic of the glasses on pinterest....and it linked to martha stewart...who else? but the link was not for the pic...but i think it probably came from her site.

and the afgans linked to flikr....just plain old flikr.

that is the downside of pinterest...messed up links and not getting a real source.

8.  does having a GOOD dlsr camera make that much difference?

well... 
i think i wouldn't want to go without my dslr.  But getting a dlsr won't make you take good pictures.  there is a lot more that goes into getting good photos than the camera.  instagram is great example of that.  it's figuring out the lighting, composition and your angle.  and that is where having a nice dslr camera comes in...and makes the shot clear and crisp.  where a point and shoot may have a grainier shot? possibly.
if you just want snapshots to keep your memories then a point and shoot is fine.
if you have an interest in photography...any desire to learn more....i think you need a dslr.  

9. Can i get a top ten book list of your favorite books?

this is a funny question mommyjulia.
because i don't know that i have read ten books in the last ten years!
but i will share again what i have read the past few months...

i read 7 and then Interrupted....loved.
Now i am reading "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years"  and this book is making me think in ways i never have!!! it's challenging me.  it's making me do hard things.  it's so good.

i love the book Crazy Love.
i loved Calm My Anxious Heart....good for a mom.
Long Way Gone was a book to prepare for africa and it was so good.

i don't read very much....i get so distracted and i don't make time for it.

i definitely don't read fiction.
IF i am reading a book it's going to be about something that i want to learn about...change in myself...get a new direction.
and thankfully i got glasses so at least i don't fall asleep as soon as i start reading.

10. can i have your pattern for the apron? can you tell me how make all the stuff you make at craft weekend?  can you do tutorials on all those things that the craft weekenders paid for?  (i am paraphrasing here)

nope...sorry.  :)
that would not be fair to all those Craft Weekend girls at all.
but i will be selling these things in my shop someday.
and i can't wait for you girls to get your hands on them... everything takes time.
i have five kids and i am running a business so things take a long time to get done.
i wish i could snap my fingers and have my shop filled and everything done...but i just cant.

i am grateful you are patient.

11. tell us about Lauren....you never do...she is ignored....why don't you talk about her...WHY?!?
(again...paraphrasing)

lauren is 17...almost 18.  She requested quite a few years ago for me to not blog about her.
so i don't.
i love her.  she is crazy smart.  she works on the weekends.  she is an awesome volleyball player.  she wants to be a doctor. 

maybe someday i will be able to talk more about what it's been like raising our first teenager but for now she doesn't want me to talk about her here.  

and that is that.

12. Kirsten J asked all these at once:  do you make lists?  yes...very messy lists   Do you ever ask for help?  yes. a lot. YOU HAVE TO or you will drown.  Do you ever future trip?  i don't what that is...dreaming about the future? not much i guess.  Will Lauren go away to college?  yes she will.  we don't where yet but she will.  Did you ever have a penpal? YES! i used to write letters constantly.  when craig got home from one year of college he had TONS of letters from me.  i had two from him.  ha ha haaa.  also my sister got letters from me constantly. My grandpa and i wrote too.  i always signed my letters to him Love,  Megan the GREAT!! i would tell him my grades and about my boyfriends and my dance recitals and he would send me money for good grades and call me out on my bad ones.   my 101 year great aunt and i wrote for my entire marriage until she passed away this year. i love writing letters.  Do you ever just veg out in front of the tv? Reality tv? Or talk shows? NCIS? i do occasionally veg with tv... Parenthood of course, Office, Modern Family, Grey's Anatomy and Saturday Night Live.  NO reality tv.  i can't take it.  NO singing shows...or dancing shows...or dating shows. it makes me want to poke my eyes out.  i did like Amazing Race and Survivor...in the beginning...but not anymore. AND i miss Oprah...really really miss her show.  What blogs do you read regularly?  Julie,  Ashley, Kimberlee, Shauna, Jess, Megan, Leslie, amy, shannon, sarah, lisa and michelle just to name a few....i have over 50 more in my reader.  :)

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i wish there were some pictures to go along with this post.
how about some george?


 
yes...i did just take 15 minutes and made a george collage in picmonkey.
don't judge.
just enjoy....it's easy....

 

there over 100 comments on that post so it will take me awhile to get through them all.

hope you made it through all those answers.

ok...i am going to make all the appointments i have been putting off forever since i am stuck at home.
you know what i mean.... dentist, eye doctor, exterminator, ob/gyn, sewing machine guy, specialist and anything else i can think of.
the part i hate more than making the appointment....GOING to the appointments! 

wish me luck.

 

alright....it's a new day.

so i got lots of texts yesterday and emails asking "what's going on??!"
i guess i was making people nervous or being dramatic?

or keep it to myself too often that when i explode people get nervous?
i think people were worried.
it's all ok...it's just HARD....and i wish it wasn't so hard most of the time.  

but i got it all out in writing here yesterday and felt so much better almost immediately.
God gave me another day to try again.
thankful for that.

 
we made chocolate chip cookies.  (best recipe ever)
a double batch.
and it was like yummy therapy.  :)

then i took the four youngest who were off of school to a movie.
and freddys for dinner.

it was good to get out of the house.



still liking this book a lot.
i am about halfway through....it is very interesting writing...i am so curious to see where it leads.

 
i had a happy box on my porch.
it's about time i got on board with this company.
what has taken me so long....seriously?
i am a convert.
love them and want to get some more already.

 
good thing we gave waffle that bath.....

watching talby play volleyball this past weekend made me realize how very tall and grown up she is getting!
right before my eyes.
and she was the only one with out knee pads... #parentfail

speaking of growing up... holy cows.
i don't get the hair but i understand the need to make your choices and have a "style" you like.
i am not sure what that is...but he does and so i am not making a big deal.

he looks good in black and red though.

i am a sucker for good marketing that is visually awesome.
and this is.  
old navy you have great designers.
i want every color.          
(except purple...no thank you)

this morning i printed out my pdf files from CLEAN MAMA and i am ready to get organized.
i love that she has the jobs written out already.
that was a huge for me.
i get so overwhelmed with chores and cleaning and keeping up at my house.
so becky has all kinds of ways to help me get organized and doing it such a cute and colorful way!!!
thank you Clean Mama for getting my life together! 

okie dokie....
i am off to get my hair did.
and go to the bank
and the walmart.
and high school volleyball games tonight.

thank you for the hundreds of encouraging "you are not alone" comments and emails and texts.
THANK YOU.

i felt lifted up in prayer and in friendship.
i felt heard.
i can be open and honest here and not be attacked.
i am so grateful for that.

and my husband teased me about the mama grizzly.  :)

but it's TRUE!!!