whatever

motherhood

yesterday was rough.

i am just going to sit here and write.
pour out my thoughts.
i couldn't write a fluffy happy post after the day i had yesterday. 

sometimes i can feel so in love...so content and confident...so happy with everything in my life.
and then in less than 24 hours feel the opposite.

i feel that great feeling mostly when i am with my husband.
we are best friends and i feel most like myself when i am with him.
he loves me well. 

but man....raising kids can be SO DANG HARD.
it can wear you down like nothing else can.
and your marriage too....you have to protect it like a mama grizzly.

parenting is so much harder than i ever thought it would be (good thing i jumped right in and had five kids)
(and sorry mom.  sorry dad.) 

sometimes i feel like i am getting worse at parenting everyday.
shouldn't i be getting better?
shouldn't i be getting experienced?

we had a moment yesterday where my husband and i both just sat together staring at the wall holding hands in a total dazed state of completely not knowing what to do.
we had no plan.
we had no thoughts.
just kind of stunned by how our kids were behaving.

and in those moments....i want to go hide away in my mind to the good stuff.
the stuff where we are happy and carefree.
the times where we aren't worried about how they are going to turn out.
the stuff that makes us smile and feel proud of them.

but we are the parents.
there is no one else to do this job but us!
it's me and him.
how crazy is that when you reeeeeally think about it?
we have to do the hard parts too.
even though i don't like those parts....i like making crafts and playing soccer and eating ice cream or laughing over a movie.
i don't like discipline and rules and tension and arguing.
i really don't.

i keep going back to advice from a friend saying "their story isn't over yet"
and "everyone needs to mess up so they can come back and learn from it"
or "it gets better...they grow out of it"

i hang on those words for sure.
especially "their story isn't over yet"

because i want my kids so badly to know Jesus deeply.
to come around and have a desire in their heart to be with HIM.
if they were good all the time...they wouldn't know why they needed Him in their life. 

it is exhausting to watch them choose wrong over and over.

just like it is for God to watch me choose wrong...say wrong...do wrong...think wrong....OVER AND OVER.
for over 25 years.

i have been reading this book again.
it helps calm my heart when i put my children's name into the verses from my bible to pray over them.
it's a good book.

i am praying my heart out for my kids.
i don't feel like i am good at it.
it's not natural for me.
i struggle at prayer...i get distracted VERY easily...but prayer can be anywhere anytime...go to GOd and you're there.  that's it.  And He wants us there all day long.

"LOVE NEVER FAILS" is the verse i keep coming back to.
when i feel disappointed and have the thought "this is not what i wanted...i didn't sign up for this"
i hear "love never fails."
God never promised me that having a big family would be easy and fun all the time and that all my kids would just fall in line, obeying my every word and love on me every chance they get.
that was my disillusion i brought to the table.

i love all my kids like crazy.
sometimes i feel very frustrated, worn down, diappointed or sad.
but they still need me.
especially when they do those things....they NEED guidance, reaauarnce that i will still be there, protection and LOVE.
love never fails.

so.....that's my takeaway from this discussion i just wrote out with myself in my head....

LOVE.

whatever i do or say to my kids it has to be in love.
if i don't have love....it's useless. 

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

- 1 Cor. 13 (the Message)

 

these are usually wedding verses but they work awesome for parenting wisdom also.

 

my kids are off of school today.
ok.... i must get out of bed and turn this day awesome.
cause yesterday really wasn't.

although craig did bring us (me and the 3 youngest kids) out on the roof last night and we watched the stars together.
it was really beautiful and calming.
(thanks babe for that....let's do that more often.)

bottom line....i love my kids.
i am so glad i had them ALL and i want to be able to love them through anything they throw at me.
it is hard.
i have confidence that God will give me the strength to do it.
but that doesn't mean it will be easy.

annnnnd i miss having babies in the house....big time.

the end.

:) 

 

 

last day of colorado.

more playtime in the streams.










adventurers.








brave explorers.








and after that....WET.  
oops.
we got dry clothes on and headed on towards home.











a m a z i n g.


and the very last thing as we headed home.... RAM crossing!


pretty cool.
up higher on the ledge was the rest of its family.  
yay colorado....thanks so much for the memories!!!

 

OK.... here is where i speak from the heart..................................................................................

colorado was beautiful and i loved being there together.
even when it's not perfect in my famly...or there is fighting or yelling or things not going as planned.

i can be honest and say that vacations are sometimes overrated.
we put pressure on everything to go just right....fun fun fun.....smiles all around.
and you know what...

it doesn't always go that way.

and that's o-k.

no family is perfect.
and neither are we......not even remotely close.
my kids fight.  
with each other and with me.  
it can get really tiresome.  
it exhausts me greatly.

but i love them deeply.

i say this because it would make me sad if looking through these pictures of our trip someone would say "i wish my family was happy like that" or "they always look like they are having so much fun"
and did not think about the reality.
the reality is that we are normal...sometimes happy, sometimes grumpy, sometimes hyper, sometimes loud, sometimes kind and sometimes mean.
you never know with five kids what will happen in the next minute let alone a 9 hour drive.

i am guessing you can relate to that.

i hope.

 

a favorite of mine...

i love hearing my children practice piano.
they whine and complain.
they say "WHY DO I HAVE TO TAKE PIANO?!"
and at times....throw themselves on the floor dramatically and kick their legs up and down. 

but when they can play and when they do play....


 
i love to listen.

it's like background music for the family.

the soundtrack of life in our home.

and they do love to play once they have figured out the notes.



she sticks out her tongue quite often when she concentrates.


she gets silly too....

we got this piano for FREE from the classifieds when we lived in illinois.
in the newspaper...before craigslist existed!
the woman giving it away was going to miss it and she said "it has a sweet sound" several times.
it's been well loved for a long time.

(and i think it needs some white paint on it sooner or later.
i can't believe it's still wood color after all these years!)


all the kids have taken lessons at some point in their little lives.
right now it's only talby and annie playing.
i wish they all played.
but i am just not that mom.
it takes so much dedication from THE MOM to have all your kids play and keep at it.
so we are down to two kiddos in lessons immediately after school on mondays.



one awesome thing about their lessons is they are at a college in the music department.
so when we walk in every week there is music everywhere.
trumpets practicing scales....cellos, violins and yesterday a full choir was singing!
i love that extra something the music dept. brings to our mondays. 

photo bomber.
and there is that tongue again!


 
waffle always has to be right at our feet.
literally.

well since i showed a home video yesterday....
why not one more today?!
it makes the pictures come to life right? 

pretty quickly waffle begins barking and continues throughout the entire song.
i am sure it was at something very important like a leaf falling or a person walking by two blocks away.... 

i hope that one day at least ONE of our kids wants to play an instrument for fun.
but it has to be their choice and it's either in you or it's not.
and it's not in me.
at all.
but i sure do love to listen to them play.

what about you?
do you play?
do your kids? 

 

 

stuff i saw this week.....

this was not my breakfast but i wish it was.
this looks DELISH.

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this laundry room makes me happy.
the yellow is perfection.
................................................... 

blowing my mind!!!
in every way. 
i LOVE this shark watermelon.    
i think maybe this would be a rad way to start the summer....carving a shark head.  YES! 

...................................................


does this make you smile???
it does for me.
i am going to make these too!

...................................................


i can't believe that this is her real hair.....but i love it.
i wonder what her profession is that allows this hair??
something that is free spirited for sure.
it's pretty amazing...i think it's because of the pink that i love it so much.

...................................................

i forgot to tell you that as of spring break this year my kids have been doing
all of their own laundry.


i am so happy about this.
they are in charge of it.
if they want clean socks then they need to think about it....
if they need their uniform clean....they had better make sure it's clean.
LIFE SKILLS baby.
they also benefit because we don't have to have family folding nights.
if you wash your own clothes then you only have to fold your own clothes!
 
one of you blog readers were the one who said that you do this and i would love it.
well YOU WERE RIGHT! 

i help annie by putting it in the dryer for her because she is too short.
but otherwise even annie brings it downstairs, washes, folds and puts it away on her own.

 

...................................................

annie came into my dark bedroom to my bed and woke me up to ask if she could have oatmeal.
i sleepily said yes.
"mom....i can't remember how to make it."
i said "yes you do....2 of the 1/3 measuring cups of water and microwave for one-five-zero."

"please can you help me mom?"

"ok....i will be right there"

 i am glad i went.

it's not oatmeal.

HA.

 

........................................................
 

here are our babies this morning....in one day they grew SO much...and have teeny feathers too.
sadly the day that the third was hatching was the last we've seen of it.
there is no third baby any where to be found. 
bummer.

i found this sweet short video on youtube of a robin hatching.
you can pretend it's our robin because it looks the same.
it was interesting to see the mama take the shell after they hatch....where?  where does it go? 
i am going to find out these facts.
and we are going to craft about it for sure!

 

 

happy friday!

wednesday for me.

last night was annie's kindergarten recogniton.
pretty cute.

they performed "the very hungry caterpillar" and sang "what a wonderful world"


annie has thrived in mrs. claassen's class this year.
has loved going to school every day.
has made art projects, gifts and cards for her everyday all school year.
that is a good sign of love to me.

 

ezra is her best buddy in the class.
at bedtime we were talking and she shared that everybody says "why do you always play with boys?!" 
i told her it was ok to play with WHOever she wants.
she said the girls always say "annie...come play princesses with us!"
and i laughed and said "you should say.....DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO PLAY PRINCESS WITH YOU?"
talby said "don't say that annie....you'll get in trouble"
we all laughed.

she likes some girly things like babies and house and littlest pet shops
but boys have more energy and action
and they are louder. 
just like annie. 

she has friends that are girls too.

 


the magnificent chef ANNIE will prepare  KAK for your meal


 
i cannot believe this year is almost over.
it's crazy.
i feel like i am in some weird time warp sucker.
making everything go at super speed.
everyone is growing up and changing so fast.
i want to shout "just stop already!"
for the good moments.
the hard stuff....the tough stuff....it can go away as quick as possible.
move along angry hormones of teenagers....
get going feelings of entitlement and greed or laziness.....
please move faster self centeredness.....
but this good awesome wonderful stuff...like hungry caterpillars & teacher hugs....they can stay forever. 

 

monday.

good morning.

this is what i have been working on in my yard....mulch.

i spent several hours yesterday moving it.
it's mindless exercise.
 
and i barely made a dent in that mountain of mulch.

good thing i have three strong men in this house....

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jeanne oliver has her new line of goodies out today in her shop.
she sent me the photos to preview.....gorgeous.
i meant jeanne at silver bella in 2009.  
i liked her from the start!
i love to see her taking herself SERIOUSLY as an artist.
so cool.

on her blog today she is giving away a $500 gift certificate to her shop!!  

that is amazing.

Open publication - Free publishing - More fashion

go check out her new shop.

you will find something you love i am sure!

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so how did mother's day go?  
be honest. 


this is the project i had my 3 & 4 year old sunday school class do.
i brought them jars, the sticker, ribbon and a big stack of flowers to pick for their mom.
they were so cute when their moms came to get them!

i made myself one too.

so.....i told you i got the weekend off.
and it was great.

but i will also tell you that i also had EXTREME guilt all week before about it.
i changed my mind everyday of what i wanted.

i felt guilty i wasn't going to the basketball games....because a "good mom" wouldn't want to miss even one!

i felt guilty that i wanted to be alone....because a "good mom" would never want that.

there was a lot of guilt on many levels.

but when i really thought about mother's day....
and recalled all the others that i have had over the years.....
and the kind of family we REALLY are....
remembered the stage of life we are in right now....
and i was honest with what i wanted to happen on my "special day" and what is my reality.....

i decided that the quiet time.....the time to think....the time for NO voices or questions or yelling.....

was what i needed to be a good mom.


and i was right.